In this day and age, the dissolution of a marriage is more common than a union that successfully weathers the trials of society. I fall into that statistic now, which is something that I had fought to avoid and have resented for years. He won. I am now a statistic.
RECYCLE
The idea I have contemplated off and on is recycle, reuse and renew. For many a lonely and fearful night, I would wonder why my ex felt it was so easy to recycle me? From my perspective, he traded me in for a slightly different model. As far as I can see, the only difference was that she felt new and thin and I felt familiar and large. I do not wish to speak in unkind tones towards the man I married in my youth. Fortunately and unfortunately, I still love the man. He is the only one I have ever given my mind and body to and I adored everything about him. I am just striving to comprehend why the idea of long-term commitment in marriage is so passe.
At the time of my husband's dalliance and ultimate decision to chase after the thing that seemed to cause his heart to flutter at the time, his mind allowed him to see reason in his decision. It was quite a rollercoaster. He seemed manic and I was nothing but scared and depressed.
My man started to solidify the "break up" with a friendly road trip that included the object of his desire. Being a friend, I never thought the journey of three was unusual. However, his behavior at the destination became quite questionable and the truth eventually came out upon our return home.
His vision...
He could move into the guest room portion of the house and pursue his heart's passion. We would all grow to be great friends, because he does not throw away relationships lightly.
Needless to say, my reaction was less than favorable. Instead, I insisted on marriage counseling and a break from the distraction that had convinced him we had never been compatible. My thought process was that our covenant would never stand a chance of reparation if he continued to feed his obsession.
Eight months later, my man moved into his own apartment with a level of enthusiasm that further broke me. It was as if he was suffering from a duration of imprisonment and the parole board had finally offered his release.
He did not want to hurt me. He claimed to respect me deeply. He wanted to take care of me financially and stay in contact. Now, I believe those statements to be true. He was smitten by hormones and lust and visions that could not be thwarted. In reality, he was not willing to let anything other than his vision succeed.
So, the permanent transition began.
His affair partner was a single school teacher who had lived on her own in an apartment on one salary since college. She was our age and had been an acquaintance for quite a while. She had a cat and loved to travel and was extremely devoted to her alma mater and family.
His wife was a school teacher who had built a home and supported him through all the ups and downs life threw at him. She married right out of college and never had to survive on one income. She had cats, loved to travel and was devoted to her students and education.
Then, we just switched places.
I became the divorced school teacher who lived on her own in an apartment on one salary. She moved into my house and instantly benefited from the double salary and the attentions of the man I met and learned to love 23 years prior.
Both women in his life were short, spunky, passionate and devoted. She just happened to make her self available to my man and had a much hotter body. I was the used car traded in for a better model. And, life went on.
REUSE
I am still working towards finding a way to connect this concept to my journey. One aspect that does support the concept of reuse is the act of changing my life style. For at least three years following the demise of my marriage, I struggled with living as if I was still a part of a double income household. I have never been much for budgets and frugality. That is changing, but it has taken some lessons in humility to start that venture.
Before the divorce, but following my husband's departure, I found myself in a Dollar General shopping for items my students could purchase during an auction. As I perused the wares, I lost control of my emotions and had to run to my car for a deep sob. The potential of having to live hand to mouth really hit home as I walked by aisles of food items priced at a dollar. I feared living in a state of hunger for the rest of my life because my financial situation would be so drastically different.
Hunger is not beating down my door and my single salary is sufficient. I have also been blessed with opportunities to work beyond the school day in order to supplement my income. I have learned to look with intentionality for materials and items needed for work or home. My imagination about how certain items can be used is improving and I find no shame in walking into a second hand store for attire or household goods. Additionally, God has provided me with wise friends who have practiced the art of bargain shopping for years.
Therefore, though I am not the object of the reuse concept, ways of living my life are.
RENEW
This ideology was in place long before I found myself physically alone. In a crisis like this, people have to cling to something. Thankfully, God's arms were extended and I jumped right into them. I cannot claim that comfort and peace were immediate results of that leap, but I am still alive and my future seems hopeful.
The first summer break following the realization of alternate lifestyle explorations on the part of my husband, I decided to take a month long road trip. I had never traveled without a human companion, but I just had to remove myself from the situation. Bizarrely enough, my husband wanted to be a part of the planning process. He was still at home, so conversations often focused on the trip. It was just easier than facing the reality.
I plotted out a path that led to Little Rock, Mt. Rushmore, South Dakota, and back around home through Colorado. All of the stops held a special part of the healing and thinking process. A remarried couple at a hole in the wall barbecue joint shared the pain of their journey and offered to show me the town. The owners of a bed and breakfast hugged me and prayed over me. The monks at several monasteries I used as respites offered solace in their silence and their worship. And God spoke to me through people, scripture, nature and in my head. It was not over and far from fixed, but I knew I was not alone.
God's intervention and renewal was much more prevalent when I was slugging my way through the confusion. However, if I am alert and then choose to follow His prodding, He is still renewing my vision, life and contributions. I am learning that this stage is never complete and I am grateful. If I was at risk of becoming stagnate, I am not sure I could face my Savior in heaven.
Sporadically, I do pray that my ex and his now wife are blessed by God and walking in His light. Sometimes, the prayers are due to a desire to be obedient to God. Other times, my heart truly does wish the best for them. I still have nightmares about the entire experience and might catch my eyes watering when I awake, but the majority of my days are no longer encumbered by the pain of the loss.
I think that is a strong sign of God's renewal in my life.
I just wish our throw-away society found more value in longevity, loyalty and commitment.
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